I gotta admit, I think I felt very similarly the first time I dress En Femme. I just couldn’t believe I could look that feminine. Though, I was at a shop that specializes in this kind of clothing, spent more then I ever expected (ya, breast forms are expensive), Lol, I though to shave my face that day (last time I had a goatee) but didn’t think to shave my legs or chest (though that is something I do do now) and I am pretty sure the female friend that came with me that day, probably felt just as awkward, but for a different reason. So, ya, the last 3/4 of this comic really hits home for me ^_^.
I remember my first time, Sadly I did not have anyone to help me or hug =’/ You can tell Emily is trying real hard but she’s most likely not into women. Which explains why she has not talked to her in so long. Hopefully they say friends.
As they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe he will change his mind. On the other hand, start with the outlook that there is a person that will love you unconditionally, and you will meet such a person. If you lower your expectations, if you raise them, life will not disappoint.
She loves her, she wants to support her, but she knows that doing so means to lose the man she fell in love with. Straight women married to transwomen go through a lot, and the relationships oftend don’t survive.
The way she hides her sadness from him is likely also a comment on how often the transwoman (I did this myself) will fail to really notice the extreme emotional agony their partner is going through; they are busy wallowing in the joy of finally becoming who they are supposed to be, too busy enjoying their new puberty.
Yeah, for a relationship to survive, the person needs to love themselves and love the other person with their whole heart, not become distracted by the transition. The first thing is to love that person still, not go transition, then pursue the opposite sex. The second, is to tell them that.
Don’t know if you’re trans, or gone through what was pictured above, but this reverberated my/our experience exactly.
My partner is hugely supportive, but she suffers inside herself whenever she sees me becoming more feminine. As much as she loves me, she still fell in love with a man, and she’s losing bits of him every day.
I really love the way you are able to portray each gender with the red and the blue of just yourself, as well as the transitioning of one into the other in this particular comic… in line with also keeping her neutral here with being gray. Also, +1 for the feels in this one.
Yeah, I went through this. Well, it wasn’t exactly this… But I know what the last panel means. It’s what I lost too, to get where I am now.
I’ve never been able to completely move on.
/crying a little now…
Yep yep, it rings home. No single exp was exactly the same, but many scrunched together paint this same picture. And in reverse it hits home even more true. The anguish always felt as you went from your red to the blue and had to put your disguise back on. Many times i cried in front of a mirror as i took my make-up off….
The last frame … The realization that you either are surprised to realize that you enjoy the woman she’s wanting to become, or that you will miss the man he currently is. An awakening feeling, or a sense of pending loss. Surprise nonetheless. Leaves the reader to feel the meaning of that last frame for themselves.
Certainly for the man we can all feel that moment of awe when we first looked at our woman-self in the mirror (usually when the wig at last goes on) and realize how much we want her to be manifest.
My first time i looked ready to do a drag show after a pro makeup job. Within minutes i knew two things i had never felt more me before and i was absolutely not a Cross Dresser. My wife helped me too and had the same reaction as that in the last frame.
Almost fifteen years ago now, the woman who was then my wife – and whom I expected to be my wife forever – helped me to finally start coming to terms with the reality of who I was. It took several years for me to fully transition. Along the way we went to support groups – both together and individually, saw therapists – both together and individually, and went through a ton of “what ifs” and “what should we dos.”
In the fullness of time it became clear that our marriage could not survive. She realized that before I did, though eventually it was clear to me as well. I can not diminish the sadness and loss I felt over our divorce. However, she and I are amazing friends – she was my maid of honor when I got remarried and I threw her shower when she had her first baby. Life goes one, and while we are no longer husband and wife, we are still bonded, and love each other dearly.
I know the look in the last panel, and I say thank you so much for recognizing the mixed realities that can be part of being and loving trans folk.
I didnt have someone help me, I had tried to help someone move past thier own past. I put my transition on pause as a result as they needed someone who was male to help them. As they got better I tried to start again but they had a clear image in thier head with who they were in love with and me as myself was not who it was.
I’m with everyone else that really “got” the last frame. Before I realized I was a woman (yes, realized, check my blog out), I was happily married, I had a house in the suburbs, a brand new car, a dog, a daughter…. I lost all of that (except my daughter) because of my transition, like so many others.
This is probably one of the most relevant, and the most touching, comic I’ve seen about transsexuality in the last year. 🙁
I’m very grateful that I had a trans sister that I met at the local support group that took a special interest in me and was very supportive during the most stressful part of transitioning. That was ten years ago and while my life has been far from a piece of cake I wouldn’t trade the life I have now for even my best day trying to live a male life.
The last frame is a bit tricky and by no mean absolute but it is what a lot of wives are afraid of ~ losing their husband and someone they fell in love with forever. The general preception is if men wants to be women, they like men. Which mean they don’t love their wives anymore. This is something that a lot of women are insecure of because they were taught they have to have men in their lives to depend on. In my opinion, some men wanted to be women BUT still love women ie, their wives. And if their love is strong enough, the husband still loves and likes her wife then they will stay together. Their love will be stronger than ever. Of course, I can say that the most sacrifice are from the wife because of their nuturing nature. When it happens this way, both are facing a lot of obstacles from families and conservative society. I know a lot of you understand about this illustration. We can became who we are is all because the scarifice of someone that loves us even if it turns out not as cheerful. At one time I thought to myself if I am a woman than I can sacrifice myself for not being who I really am. I was wrong but that was years ago. Life is full of surprises, please enjoy yourself , love yourself and ALL those who love you too!
This caught me right in the feels. This is pretty much how it happened for me as well. Not on my birthday, but otherwise the same. I shared this with my ex (now queer chosen sister) and we both had a good cry. I love your comics.
It can go the other way. I met my girlfriend before she came out. We had become friends through various queer stuff on our campus. When she was living as a man, I was never interested in her as anything other than a friend. After she came out and started to be herself around me, I had a big lezzie crush on her. I told a few friends, never got up the never to make a move and pushed the crush out of my head.
Fast forward a few years. To us being cute gay ladies getting wasted at my kitchen table and complaining about how nobody makes out with us. It turns out that she had a secret crush on me back in the day too, however she was too shy and self-conscious to even consider that anyone would date her- fortunately she was a little bolder and managed to kiss me in spite of all the blushing.
The moral of the story is that even though some romantic partners may not be interested in you, there are other people who will find you more attractive. And I’m not talking about the creepers who fetishize trans ladies, I’m talking about the people who just love ladies and will like you for being a woman.
Very true. I hid my feelings for over 3 years, as my girlfriend of almost 6 years was always exclusively attracted to men and was extremely straight and kinda transphobic. When I came out to her as non-binary, we had about a week where it was like the above comic. She was supportive, but worried she would lose attraction to me. And then it just clicked for her; She doesn’t find manly men attractive, and prefers androgynous people. She also realized she’s pansexual and thinks women are really are really hot. If anything, she thinks I’m much more attractive now that I’m not presenting as male anymore. Sometimes shes more excited than me when she wants me to try on a new dress/clothes. Our relationship is stronger than it’s been in the entire 6 years I’ve been dating her.
Moral of the story is things work out better than expected sometimes!
It was Valentines day for me and my ex… it ended pretty much EXACTLY like that. Just got finished dressing up, taking pictures, making love… then she got this terrified look on her face, and was never the same since. My transition was definitely the herald of our separation.
This is a really poignant comic. I love the use of the colors to indicate mood… especially as things “warm up” and then suddenly go cool at the end.
This isn’t what I went through, but I know that it’s what a lot of people do. I went through most of the difficult parts of transitioning *after* my wife left me for semi-unrelated reasons… (she dates/lives with another trans woman)
i thought the guy was her son… oh well. which would make it more poignant; losing a son for a daughter. at least there is some interaction. my wife just moved out. not sure if it was my transitioning or her cheating on me. but whatever i’m glad she is gone. starting over is just that. i have made new friends and am falling in love dating guys. my kids have sorta dropped me too so i am totally free to make a new family. i had online people telling me i should be fem. it was in a interactive site and i realized i had suppressed being fem all my life. the first time i dressed fem and passed was a revelation. now i pass at will and have found my fem voice. yay! i’m taking speech therapy to help sustain that voice and get my moves down better. and the hormone rush… wow! i have never been happier. everyday people see me and tell me how surprisingly fem i am. they know i am transitioning cause i am live on a trans dating site. its nice to hear that. and yes i felt a little tear jerk at the comic.
I was really lucky! I fell in love with a bi woman who knew about my gender issues from the word go and didn’t mind a bit – in fact she was particularly attracted to transwomen. We have been together 11 years now and married for 9 of them – but she had always referred to me as her wife, even before I transitioned just over a couple of years ago (on our 7th wedding anniversary)…
This is something I feel every day. I know that it makes me such a bad person as I am the wife in this situation and I did leave a few months back. I genuinely cry about it more than I really should. I just can’t get past losing the physical representation of him. He was everything to me and I loved him so much and we are great friends and talk every but I do weep for what I lost and the guilt I feel for doing it is awful.
I love her she is beautiful and I want to help SO much but for some reason I am broken and cannot get past losing my husband. I can and will never tell people I feel this way as I am ashamed to be stuck wanting the past when I should really be helping the future which I want to do so so much.
No! You are not a bad person. This IS a very traumatic situation for any woman who loves someone who needs to transition. I am gender dysphoric, I went through the same situation as portrayed in the comic.
My wife was very supportive, though anxious too. She told me, “we will take every moment as it comes”. Due to several reasons, medical, age, finances, I could not continue with my transition. Even though I dearly wanted to, come what may.
The final straw for me was the morning when I stood up to go to work, and saw her small sleeping form in bed. And it hit me like an avalanche, “what on earth am I doing to her?”
I am still dysphoric, I still need to be female, but I am almost certain it will never happen…
I envy each and every person who are able to transition, with or without support from loved ones.
I live with it, day to day, moment by moment. I have to.
You have no idea how that feels!!!
Don’t feel bad about wanting to support her, and at the same time still wanting her to be who she was. I will never think of you as a bad person because of that, and I don’t think any rational person would disagree with me. You are who you are, and this hit you very hard. Grieving is part of transition, especially for loved ones. Whether you go back to her, or stay apart. Whether you can support her or not. Your lives will continue, and you will both be stronger for it.
Or perhaps, you’re only human. I can say that she is the same person he was inside and be completely truthful and correct. We tend to fall in love with the whole package. Part of that package was your perception of her when she presented as him. From your perspective, you have memories and history that is very meaningful to you. We also tend to project forward our deepest and most treasured desires whether we like it or not. You very likely had a vision of how things were going to be in your mind. Wanting to grow old with a specific person is not an unusual hope or desire. Coming to terms with the love of your life fundamentally changing into a new person before your very eyes can be a very traumatic experience. The partner transitioning is not the only one who may require therapeutic care. If you really love this person, you owe it to both of you to determine in what capacity you are able to love her. You are not obligated in any way to embrace a same sex relationship that you may not be capable of fulfilling. That doesn’t mean you cannot forge a new relationship based on terms you can live within. I simply cannot accept the all or nothing solutions. There is always middle ground. That is why my spouse and I are still together. We changed our rules of engagement significantly to accommodate our new reality. She has a boyfriend. I’m Okay with that. If they ever want to marry, we will figure it out and we will find that elusive win-win scenario to make it work. We owe that to each other. We owe that to our children. I want my children to have a happy and healthy relationship with him. I’ve talked to my three sons and I’ve discussed it with him. I will very likely have another serious relationship of my own one day. I don’t know who yet. I don’t even know if they will be a he or a she and it really doesn’t matter. Baby steps. One day at a time.
This says it all so profoundly and clearly. Transition is a difficult time for both partners. One is desperately finding her way in life becoming authentic to herself at long last. The other is losing the man she fell in love with, shared her life with and had hoped to grow old with. I can completely relate to this.
I wrote this facebook note this year as it marked several significant milestones for both of us.
The Way Forward…
Six years ago I made my disclosure to my spouse of 22+ years at that time, that I was transgender and needed to be authentic to myself in every way or simply perish. For once in my life, I followed my heart.
Our relationship has dramatically changed since that moment. She has been incredibly supportive of my transitioning and we have taken the time to discuss how this made both of us feel. We’re still best friends. We are still legally married and live in our home in the burbs with our three sons. I think the most practical and accurate way to describe how she feels about me is that she still loves me, but she is no longer in love with me. It was a bitter pill to swallow at first, but I gave her the space she needed. I owed her that. I owed her that big time. Simply put, she is the single best thing to ever happen to me.
Years passed and it became clear our new dynamic would never change. I had lost the love of my life who by no coincidence was also my best friend in the world. That is why I married her. It was more a matter of respect, admiration and that elusive feeling of serene comfort one finds and feels with a particular person.
Earlier this year she reconnected with a man who she has known since they were quite young. A man I knew she had always harbored feelings for. They started going out. She couldn’t bring herself to admit they were dating. Maybe it was too revealing or perhaps too painful to verbally confirm that she was seeing someone who could be viewed upon as my replacement. I felt many conflicting emotions. Sadness, depression and anxiety. Loss, loneliness and profound regret. A sense of worthlessness and self hatred for just being me. I also felt gratitude, hope, relief and redemption. It was so nice to see that familiar sparkle in her eyes once again. It was strangely comforting to see that tell-tale smile brighten her face when she was far off in thought. She was happy again.
One day I simply realized I could not lose something that I had already lost six years ago. I realized that I alone was responsible for both our current situation as well as my future happiness. What I couldn’t do was stand idly by and play the victim or fool. I wrote her a long email reminding her that I knew what this man meant to her and always did and that I still loved her and always would. She will never be alone or destitute. I’m not going anywhere. I told her to seize this opportunity to be happy. I told her in writing I wanted her to be happy more than anything in the world and that she had my full support as I would expect from her. No conditions. No tricks. No strings attached.
Life is far too short to be anything other than happy, satisfied and grateful to be alive. When life offers you these rare golden opportunities, you should not ignore them. They pass by far too quickly to spend excessive time debating their pros and cons. Life is about seizing the moment, being impulsive, making mistakes, being hurt, picking yourself up and starting the dance of life anew.
Life is about living, regardless of how often you are beaten down or had your goals changed or removed altogether. Life is about living well. That is how we survive. That is how we thrive.
It may be perceived as being selfish by some, but you are responsible for making the good things in your life happen for you. You have an obligation to learn to love yourself and to make yourself happy.
In this topsy-turvy upside-down world, if you can find someone who shares and appreciates your unique quirkiness, don’t dwell on it or over think it. Share your last big slice of crazy with them. In both your eyes that mutual nuttiness and beautiful insanity just may be love at first bite. Savour every morsel of each other’s wonderfully twisted psyches and devour them with gusto. Linger over every delightful sensation and new ethereal discovery found in the vast depths of each other’s souls. Learn to love again. Learn to take risks with your heart. Test the depths of these uncharted emotional waters with both feet. Take the plunge. No matter what, just take it. The alternatives are always so much worse.
Thank you for this. You are wise. My spouse (she transitioned recently) and I are in the midst of this. I hope we will both eventually embrace the wisdom you have shared.
I lived two years with a very sweet man who loved me very much and totally accepted me as a woman. Today many years have passed and my former lover has transitioned to female. So yes, I did experience the same moment as the wife in this story, realizing that I lost him forever. And decades before that, I experienced the same moment as the transgender character, when my wife realized that she had to let me go. So I’ve been on both sides that Tresenella has shown us here. About the comic: Tresenella uses blue to represent “before transition” and red to represent “after transition”. In this comic, note that the color goes from blue, to purple, to red. In other words, to her this seems to represent the actual moment of transition.
I’m surprised no one is talking about “no one will be able to tell you are trans” comment. I understand a trans person feeling this way but when it’s said to be reassuring, to me that suggests being trans might not be something to be proud of? But I’m cis and just trying to learn so tell me if I’m wrong.
As a 21 years old trans-woman. I can say that’s even if there is no reason to be ashamed by what we are, society often teach us that we should. I even take year to accept myself the fact that I’m trans. I now seriously envisage doing my transition. By the way I feel this comic realy poignant, I almost cry at the end. I never get into a relationship to avoid this problem, I don’t know if it was a good idea.
My spouse supported my transition and eventually transitioned also. Even though ze stayed with me and I stayed with per there was a little bit of that last panel for both of us.
But ours would have an extra panel; that part when they are hugging and the smile comes back when the spouse says “I love you no mater what you look like, regardless of your gender.”
My spouse is the new improved version. Ze is productive and happy and functional, all traits that neither of us had before we transitioned.
This was *wonderful* and *so poignant*…and I very much understand the emotions of both of these special people. {tears}
My spouse and I have gone through such a transition over the last six years. I have gradually and gently moved through androgyny to where I am today, comfortably living as myself, a woman for several years now; she has also had to change. We are close to our twenty-fifth anniversary, and we’ve both had to re-invent ourselves – me to survive, and her to survive with me, and our adult son with us…
…We’ve both been functionally genderqueer for most of our lives, and when we married, we looked like a pretty traditional couple – but we knew we weren’t. We were neither “straight,” nor “gay,” but instead, we were “other.” Now we look like a lesbian couple, but we are still “other,” in a “transgender marriage.” As we re-invent ourselves, we are learning to how to explain this to others in our lives – it’s a challenge too. Things have been difficult at times, but we are adjusting and both of use are sharing our stories with others, and it blesses them to see that our love and our faith (in God) are great enough for us to survive and now thrive…
…I mentioned that we both lived as genderqueer people: she, a male soul in a female form, and me a female soul in a male/in-between form. In our early years, we would share our clothes, and I never went through a cross dressing phase, but I’ve always dressed as myself as authentically as I could manage under the circumstances, usually unconsciously unisex. As a child, I never developed a male persona (and went through gender-variant hell), and I lived up to my mid-life as a “special sort of man.” And now, I have needed to transition and live as a “special sort of woman.” My spouse, on the other hand, has found that she can live at peace with her body as it is, expressing herself as a person “in between” genders.
I live “simply open,” and for me this means that in casual encounters, I am just a tall, boyish woman, but when you get to know me more intimately, the fact that I am a transgender woman becomes apparent in natural, unassuming, even winsome ways. I do not view “transsexual” and “woman” to be mutually exclusive: I have *become* a woman through the crucible of my transsexuality and transition, even as natal women *become* through their girlhood and adolescence. I do not mind that people know I once lived as a “man” as long as they are fine with the fact that I live as myself, a “special sort of woman…”
Even so, my body is quite “in-between” and I may well be classified as intersex at some point.
..I never tried to convince people that I am a woman; rather, with greater integrity and fidelity, I became myself: a woman; it’ an inside-out thing. As I gradually changed through the years, I crossed some invisible boundary to where people who had watched me change decided “she must be a woman.” And when I realized this had happened, I relaxed into my identity and affirmed it by legally changing my name and gender marker.
Lately, I have realized that I am sooooo relaxed as a woman that I don’t think so much that I am trans: I simply assume my womanhood, because others seem to assume it. AND I have become so comfortable and at ease, that whether people know I am a trans woman or not (and LOTS do), people feel comfortable regarding me as any other woman…
…Now, I *am* trans, but really, I am a human being, who is a woman, who became herself through her transsexuality. As a result, I am as real as anyone else, in fact, I am 100% authentically me, even through I am constantly changing in some ways, still going through my second puberty, still maturing as a woman, as a human being.
Sir-reality: a couple months ago, at the Wild Goose Festival, we were packing for home, and our son had been camping next to a family while we had stayed elsewhere. I dropped-by his campsite and happened to meet the mother of the family. I thanked her for being so kind to our son. She said he was *wonderful* and that his mom and dad were here at the festival too. Then she said: “You must be mom?” I sweetly and a little sheepishly replied: “Um…actually, I’m ‘dad.’ I’m a transsexual woman.” Her eyes grew wide, and she said “you present sooo well…I would not have known if you had not said anything.” Though I was the only openly transgender woman at the festival, I had several experiences like this over the the course of the festival…
…Around this time, our son asked my spouse if she would be upset if he referred to me with female pronouns because he was more comfortable thinking of me as a woman. She’s not quite there herself, but she said this was fine for him. (She has started using female pronouns for me.) At the same time, our son asked if I could still be “Dad” to him. Yes, of course, I *am* his father, a woman; and I don’t want to take my spouse’s honor as his mother, even as our gender roles have always been very blended.
That last frame terrifies me… It’s why I’m having such conflicted nights about the concept of transitioning. My girlfriend has said before that she doesn’t know if she’d be attracted to me once I change, but I don’t know if I could risk our relationship. after all, wouldn’t it be better if only I was sad, and she remained happy if I stay male rather than the potential of both of us being sad? I couldn’t bare to lose her, as she has been the glue holding me together through major ups and downs in my mental state, and if I lose her, I’d deteriorate. This webcomic and it’s author has opened my eyes to the ups and downs of transgender and transsexuality, and has helped me almost reach a decision, so, if you are reading this, thank you.
As the wife of a (pre-everything) transwoman that only came out about a month ago, Emily’s reactions and feelings are the epitome of what I feel on a daily basis. This particular strip made me cry far more easily than it should have.
I am a cis gendered male and this SPOKE TO ME. This strip helped me to better understand the struggles of a trans person… I have a good feeling that this will overall contribute to my ability to empathize. I am forever supportive and grateful of your work. <3
There’s so many experiences here..
I broke up with my ex a few months ago. Before that, when I started taking a more active role in transition (buying clothes, trying makeup, growing my hair out, dying it) I started to notice she was unhappy. Well… more than notice, she was open about it every time I was. I was happy, she was… scared and hurt and wanted me to stay the was she loved me.
I mean, she’s apologized since, and I have too (I wasn’t the best partner) but I think it’s better we don’t interact anymore. Of course I’ve missed her… but I really need to work on loving myself.
This really hit me, and made me cry a bit. I wish I could have this kind of experience with my girlfriend. The last panel hit me really hard, I’m still with her, but things are getting harder as I figure myself out and become more “me”. It kinda feels like the end of things is inevitable, but that’s hard because we’ve been together since highschool.
I gotta admit, I think I felt very similarly the first time I dress En Femme. I just couldn’t believe I could look that feminine. Though, I was at a shop that specializes in this kind of clothing, spent more then I ever expected (ya, breast forms are expensive), Lol, I though to shave my face that day (last time I had a goatee) but didn’t think to shave my legs or chest (though that is something I do do now) and I am pretty sure the female friend that came with me that day, probably felt just as awkward, but for a different reason. So, ya, the last 3/4 of this comic really hits home for me ^_^.
I remember my first time, Sadly I did not have anyone to help me or hug =’/ You can tell Emily is trying real hard but she’s most likely not into women. Which explains why she has not talked to her in so long. Hopefully they say friends.
That comic made me cry, not only because its sad but because I remember my time.
I’m getting ready for the day for my mate to leave me
Hey girl, I know its about the scariest thign you can do. and she may go. But she might stay. just remember that ok?
Me too. I love him so much but I know he is against the idea of my transition. One day he will leave.
As they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe he will change his mind. On the other hand, start with the outlook that there is a person that will love you unconditionally, and you will meet such a person. If you lower your expectations, if you raise them, life will not disappoint.
Since 1970 I have listened to transgender people tell me their stories. I tell them to become the person they were meant to be.
I’m just a little confused about that last frame…
She loves her, she wants to support her, but she knows that doing so means to lose the man she fell in love with. Straight women married to transwomen go through a lot, and the relationships oftend don’t survive.
The way she hides her sadness from him is likely also a comment on how often the transwoman (I did this myself) will fail to really notice the extreme emotional agony their partner is going through; they are busy wallowing in the joy of finally becoming who they are supposed to be, too busy enjoying their new puberty.
Yeah, for a relationship to survive, the person needs to love themselves and love the other person with their whole heart, not become distracted by the transition. The first thing is to love that person still, not go transition, then pursue the opposite sex. The second, is to tell them that.
Don’t know if you’re trans, or gone through what was pictured above, but this reverberated my/our experience exactly.
My partner is hugely supportive, but she suffers inside herself whenever she sees me becoming more feminine. As much as she loves me, she still fell in love with a man, and she’s losing bits of him every day.
I had this happen, almost this exact way, on my 18th (well, minus the last panel). It was wonderful. 🙂
I really love the way you are able to portray each gender with the red and the blue of just yourself, as well as the transitioning of one into the other in this particular comic… in line with also keeping her neutral here with being gray. Also, +1 for the feels in this one.
Yeah, I went through this. Well, it wasn’t exactly this… But I know what the last panel means. It’s what I lost too, to get where I am now.
I’ve never been able to completely move on.
/crying a little now…
very touching… just wondrous… emotional… memories
Yep yep, it rings home. No single exp was exactly the same, but many scrunched together paint this same picture. And in reverse it hits home even more true. The anguish always felt as you went from your red to the blue and had to put your disguise back on. Many times i cried in front of a mirror as i took my make-up off….
The last frame … The realization that you either are surprised to realize that you enjoy the woman she’s wanting to become, or that you will miss the man he currently is. An awakening feeling, or a sense of pending loss. Surprise nonetheless. Leaves the reader to feel the meaning of that last frame for themselves.
Certainly for the man we can all feel that moment of awe when we first looked at our woman-self in the mirror (usually when the wig at last goes on) and realize how much we want her to be manifest.
My first time i looked ready to do a drag show after a pro makeup job. Within minutes i knew two things i had never felt more me before and i was absolutely not a Cross Dresser. My wife helped me too and had the same reaction as that in the last frame.
That last frame is all of it for me.
Almost fifteen years ago now, the woman who was then my wife – and whom I expected to be my wife forever – helped me to finally start coming to terms with the reality of who I was. It took several years for me to fully transition. Along the way we went to support groups – both together and individually, saw therapists – both together and individually, and went through a ton of “what ifs” and “what should we dos.”
In the fullness of time it became clear that our marriage could not survive. She realized that before I did, though eventually it was clear to me as well. I can not diminish the sadness and loss I felt over our divorce. However, she and I are amazing friends – she was my maid of honor when I got remarried and I threw her shower when she had her first baby. Life goes one, and while we are no longer husband and wife, we are still bonded, and love each other dearly.
I know the look in the last panel, and I say thank you so much for recognizing the mixed realities that can be part of being and loving trans folk.
Why does the person in the in the pony tail look so sad in the last picture?
Because she knows the relationship can’t last.
I didnt have someone help me, I had tried to help someone move past thier own past. I put my transition on pause as a result as they needed someone who was male to help them. As they got better I tried to start again but they had a clear image in thier head with who they were in love with and me as myself was not who it was.
Because she is seeing the reality for the first time and doesn’t know what will happen in their relationship. Many stay together. We did.
I’m with everyone else that really “got” the last frame. Before I realized I was a woman (yes, realized, check my blog out), I was happily married, I had a house in the suburbs, a brand new car, a dog, a daughter…. I lost all of that (except my daughter) because of my transition, like so many others.
This is probably one of the most relevant, and the most touching, comic I’ve seen about transsexuality in the last year. 🙁
I’m very grateful that I had a trans sister that I met at the local support group that took a special interest in me and was very supportive during the most stressful part of transitioning. That was ten years ago and while my life has been far from a piece of cake I wouldn’t trade the life I have now for even my best day trying to live a male life.
The last frame is a bit tricky and by no mean absolute but it is what a lot of wives are afraid of ~ losing their husband and someone they fell in love with forever. The general preception is if men wants to be women, they like men. Which mean they don’t love their wives anymore. This is something that a lot of women are insecure of because they were taught they have to have men in their lives to depend on. In my opinion, some men wanted to be women BUT still love women ie, their wives. And if their love is strong enough, the husband still loves and likes her wife then they will stay together. Their love will be stronger than ever. Of course, I can say that the most sacrifice are from the wife because of their nuturing nature. When it happens this way, both are facing a lot of obstacles from families and conservative society. I know a lot of you understand about this illustration. We can became who we are is all because the scarifice of someone that loves us even if it turns out not as cheerful. At one time I thought to myself if I am a woman than I can sacrifice myself for not being who I really am. I was wrong but that was years ago. Life is full of surprises, please enjoy yourself , love yourself and ALL those who love you too!
This caught me right in the feels. This is pretty much how it happened for me as well. Not on my birthday, but otherwise the same. I shared this with my ex (now queer chosen sister) and we both had a good cry. I love your comics.
It can go the other way. I met my girlfriend before she came out. We had become friends through various queer stuff on our campus. When she was living as a man, I was never interested in her as anything other than a friend. After she came out and started to be herself around me, I had a big lezzie crush on her. I told a few friends, never got up the never to make a move and pushed the crush out of my head.
Fast forward a few years. To us being cute gay ladies getting wasted at my kitchen table and complaining about how nobody makes out with us. It turns out that she had a secret crush on me back in the day too, however she was too shy and self-conscious to even consider that anyone would date her- fortunately she was a little bolder and managed to kiss me in spite of all the blushing.
The moral of the story is that even though some romantic partners may not be interested in you, there are other people who will find you more attractive. And I’m not talking about the creepers who fetishize trans ladies, I’m talking about the people who just love ladies and will like you for being a woman.
Very true. I hid my feelings for over 3 years, as my girlfriend of almost 6 years was always exclusively attracted to men and was extremely straight and kinda transphobic. When I came out to her as non-binary, we had about a week where it was like the above comic. She was supportive, but worried she would lose attraction to me. And then it just clicked for her; She doesn’t find manly men attractive, and prefers androgynous people. She also realized she’s pansexual and thinks women are really are really hot. If anything, she thinks I’m much more attractive now that I’m not presenting as male anymore. Sometimes shes more excited than me when she wants me to try on a new dress/clothes. Our relationship is stronger than it’s been in the entire 6 years I’ve been dating her.
Moral of the story is things work out better than expected sometimes!
It was Valentines day for me and my ex… it ended pretty much EXACTLY like that. Just got finished dressing up, taking pictures, making love… then she got this terrified look on her face, and was never the same since. My transition was definitely the herald of our separation.
my life is an easy shake and go femme.
Thank you for this, this was my life, she helped me find myself then had to leave me. I owe her my existence
like so many other commentators, this made me cry. I should be so lucky with my SO.
This is a really poignant comic. I love the use of the colors to indicate mood… especially as things “warm up” and then suddenly go cool at the end.
This isn’t what I went through, but I know that it’s what a lot of people do. I went through most of the difficult parts of transitioning *after* my wife left me for semi-unrelated reasons… (she dates/lives with another trans woman)
This is well done. Beloved went through that moment of loss as well, but hung in. We are going into our 38th year.
Crying buckets right now. She did leave me after1 1/2 years.
i thought the guy was her son… oh well. which would make it more poignant; losing a son for a daughter. at least there is some interaction. my wife just moved out. not sure if it was my transitioning or her cheating on me. but whatever i’m glad she is gone. starting over is just that. i have made new friends and am falling in love dating guys. my kids have sorta dropped me too so i am totally free to make a new family. i had online people telling me i should be fem. it was in a interactive site and i realized i had suppressed being fem all my life. the first time i dressed fem and passed was a revelation. now i pass at will and have found my fem voice. yay! i’m taking speech therapy to help sustain that voice and get my moves down better. and the hormone rush… wow! i have never been happier. everyday people see me and tell me how surprisingly fem i am. they know i am transitioning cause i am live on a trans dating site. its nice to hear that. and yes i felt a little tear jerk at the comic.
I was really lucky! I fell in love with a bi woman who knew about my gender issues from the word go and didn’t mind a bit – in fact she was particularly attracted to transwomen. We have been together 11 years now and married for 9 of them – but she had always referred to me as her wife, even before I transitioned just over a couple of years ago (on our 7th wedding anniversary)…
This is something I feel every day. I know that it makes me such a bad person as I am the wife in this situation and I did leave a few months back. I genuinely cry about it more than I really should. I just can’t get past losing the physical representation of him. He was everything to me and I loved him so much and we are great friends and talk every but I do weep for what I lost and the guilt I feel for doing it is awful.
I love her she is beautiful and I want to help SO much but for some reason I am broken and cannot get past losing my husband. I can and will never tell people I feel this way as I am ashamed to be stuck wanting the past when I should really be helping the future which I want to do so so much.
Maybe I’m just a bad person.
No! You are not a bad person. This IS a very traumatic situation for any woman who loves someone who needs to transition. I am gender dysphoric, I went through the same situation as portrayed in the comic.
My wife was very supportive, though anxious too. She told me, “we will take every moment as it comes”. Due to several reasons, medical, age, finances, I could not continue with my transition. Even though I dearly wanted to, come what may.
The final straw for me was the morning when I stood up to go to work, and saw her small sleeping form in bed. And it hit me like an avalanche, “what on earth am I doing to her?”
I am still dysphoric, I still need to be female, but I am almost certain it will never happen…
I envy each and every person who are able to transition, with or without support from loved ones.
I live with it, day to day, moment by moment. I have to.
You have no idea how that feels!!!
Don’t feel bad about wanting to support her, and at the same time still wanting her to be who she was. I will never think of you as a bad person because of that, and I don’t think any rational person would disagree with me. You are who you are, and this hit you very hard. Grieving is part of transition, especially for loved ones. Whether you go back to her, or stay apart. Whether you can support her or not. Your lives will continue, and you will both be stronger for it.
Just hang in there!
Or perhaps, you’re only human. I can say that she is the same person he was inside and be completely truthful and correct. We tend to fall in love with the whole package. Part of that package was your perception of her when she presented as him. From your perspective, you have memories and history that is very meaningful to you. We also tend to project forward our deepest and most treasured desires whether we like it or not. You very likely had a vision of how things were going to be in your mind. Wanting to grow old with a specific person is not an unusual hope or desire. Coming to terms with the love of your life fundamentally changing into a new person before your very eyes can be a very traumatic experience. The partner transitioning is not the only one who may require therapeutic care. If you really love this person, you owe it to both of you to determine in what capacity you are able to love her. You are not obligated in any way to embrace a same sex relationship that you may not be capable of fulfilling. That doesn’t mean you cannot forge a new relationship based on terms you can live within. I simply cannot accept the all or nothing solutions. There is always middle ground. That is why my spouse and I are still together. We changed our rules of engagement significantly to accommodate our new reality. She has a boyfriend. I’m Okay with that. If they ever want to marry, we will figure it out and we will find that elusive win-win scenario to make it work. We owe that to each other. We owe that to our children. I want my children to have a happy and healthy relationship with him. I’ve talked to my three sons and I’ve discussed it with him. I will very likely have another serious relationship of my own one day. I don’t know who yet. I don’t even know if they will be a he or a she and it really doesn’t matter. Baby steps. One day at a time.
This says it all so profoundly and clearly. Transition is a difficult time for both partners. One is desperately finding her way in life becoming authentic to herself at long last. The other is losing the man she fell in love with, shared her life with and had hoped to grow old with. I can completely relate to this.
I wrote this facebook note this year as it marked several significant milestones for both of us.
The Way Forward…
Six years ago I made my disclosure to my spouse of 22+ years at that time, that I was transgender and needed to be authentic to myself in every way or simply perish. For once in my life, I followed my heart.
Our relationship has dramatically changed since that moment. She has been incredibly supportive of my transitioning and we have taken the time to discuss how this made both of us feel. We’re still best friends. We are still legally married and live in our home in the burbs with our three sons. I think the most practical and accurate way to describe how she feels about me is that she still loves me, but she is no longer in love with me. It was a bitter pill to swallow at first, but I gave her the space she needed. I owed her that. I owed her that big time. Simply put, she is the single best thing to ever happen to me.
Years passed and it became clear our new dynamic would never change. I had lost the love of my life who by no coincidence was also my best friend in the world. That is why I married her. It was more a matter of respect, admiration and that elusive feeling of serene comfort one finds and feels with a particular person.
Earlier this year she reconnected with a man who she has known since they were quite young. A man I knew she had always harbored feelings for. They started going out. She couldn’t bring herself to admit they were dating. Maybe it was too revealing or perhaps too painful to verbally confirm that she was seeing someone who could be viewed upon as my replacement. I felt many conflicting emotions. Sadness, depression and anxiety. Loss, loneliness and profound regret. A sense of worthlessness and self hatred for just being me. I also felt gratitude, hope, relief and redemption. It was so nice to see that familiar sparkle in her eyes once again. It was strangely comforting to see that tell-tale smile brighten her face when she was far off in thought. She was happy again.
One day I simply realized I could not lose something that I had already lost six years ago. I realized that I alone was responsible for both our current situation as well as my future happiness. What I couldn’t do was stand idly by and play the victim or fool. I wrote her a long email reminding her that I knew what this man meant to her and always did and that I still loved her and always would. She will never be alone or destitute. I’m not going anywhere. I told her to seize this opportunity to be happy. I told her in writing I wanted her to be happy more than anything in the world and that she had my full support as I would expect from her. No conditions. No tricks. No strings attached.
Life is far too short to be anything other than happy, satisfied and grateful to be alive. When life offers you these rare golden opportunities, you should not ignore them. They pass by far too quickly to spend excessive time debating their pros and cons. Life is about seizing the moment, being impulsive, making mistakes, being hurt, picking yourself up and starting the dance of life anew.
Life is about living, regardless of how often you are beaten down or had your goals changed or removed altogether. Life is about living well. That is how we survive. That is how we thrive.
It may be perceived as being selfish by some, but you are responsible for making the good things in your life happen for you. You have an obligation to learn to love yourself and to make yourself happy.
In this topsy-turvy upside-down world, if you can find someone who shares and appreciates your unique quirkiness, don’t dwell on it or over think it. Share your last big slice of crazy with them. In both your eyes that mutual nuttiness and beautiful insanity just may be love at first bite. Savour every morsel of each other’s wonderfully twisted psyches and devour them with gusto. Linger over every delightful sensation and new ethereal discovery found in the vast depths of each other’s souls. Learn to love again. Learn to take risks with your heart. Test the depths of these uncharted emotional waters with both feet. Take the plunge. No matter what, just take it. The alternatives are always so much worse.
Thank you for this. You are wise. My spouse (she transitioned recently) and I are in the midst of this. I hope we will both eventually embrace the wisdom you have shared.
I lived two years with a very sweet man who loved me very much and totally accepted me as a woman. Today many years have passed and my former lover has transitioned to female. So yes, I did experience the same moment as the wife in this story, realizing that I lost him forever. And decades before that, I experienced the same moment as the transgender character, when my wife realized that she had to let me go. So I’ve been on both sides that Tresenella has shown us here. About the comic: Tresenella uses blue to represent “before transition” and red to represent “after transition”. In this comic, note that the color goes from blue, to purple, to red. In other words, to her this seems to represent the actual moment of transition.
This is so poignant for me. This series of cartoons resonate totally with me.
Wonderful work, keep it up.
sell this turned into alot of comments
I’m surprised no one is talking about “no one will be able to tell you are trans” comment. I understand a trans person feeling this way but when it’s said to be reassuring, to me that suggests being trans might not be something to be proud of? But I’m cis and just trying to learn so tell me if I’m wrong.
As a 21 years old trans-woman. I can say that’s even if there is no reason to be ashamed by what we are, society often teach us that we should. I even take year to accept myself the fact that I’m trans. I now seriously envisage doing my transition. By the way I feel this comic realy poignant, I almost cry at the end. I never get into a relationship to avoid this problem, I don’t know if it was a good idea.
My spouse supported my transition and eventually transitioned also. Even though ze stayed with me and I stayed with per there was a little bit of that last panel for both of us.
But ours would have an extra panel; that part when they are hugging and the smile comes back when the spouse says “I love you no mater what you look like, regardless of your gender.”
My spouse is the new improved version. Ze is productive and happy and functional, all traits that neither of us had before we transitioned.
This was *wonderful* and *so poignant*…and I very much understand the emotions of both of these special people. {tears}
My spouse and I have gone through such a transition over the last six years. I have gradually and gently moved through androgyny to where I am today, comfortably living as myself, a woman for several years now; she has also had to change. We are close to our twenty-fifth anniversary, and we’ve both had to re-invent ourselves – me to survive, and her to survive with me, and our adult son with us…
…We’ve both been functionally genderqueer for most of our lives, and when we married, we looked like a pretty traditional couple – but we knew we weren’t. We were neither “straight,” nor “gay,” but instead, we were “other.” Now we look like a lesbian couple, but we are still “other,” in a “transgender marriage.” As we re-invent ourselves, we are learning to how to explain this to others in our lives – it’s a challenge too. Things have been difficult at times, but we are adjusting and both of use are sharing our stories with others, and it blesses them to see that our love and our faith (in God) are great enough for us to survive and now thrive…
…I mentioned that we both lived as genderqueer people: she, a male soul in a female form, and me a female soul in a male/in-between form. In our early years, we would share our clothes, and I never went through a cross dressing phase, but I’ve always dressed as myself as authentically as I could manage under the circumstances, usually unconsciously unisex. As a child, I never developed a male persona (and went through gender-variant hell), and I lived up to my mid-life as a “special sort of man.” And now, I have needed to transition and live as a “special sort of woman.” My spouse, on the other hand, has found that she can live at peace with her body as it is, expressing herself as a person “in between” genders.
I live “simply open,” and for me this means that in casual encounters, I am just a tall, boyish woman, but when you get to know me more intimately, the fact that I am a transgender woman becomes apparent in natural, unassuming, even winsome ways. I do not view “transsexual” and “woman” to be mutually exclusive: I have *become* a woman through the crucible of my transsexuality and transition, even as natal women *become* through their girlhood and adolescence. I do not mind that people know I once lived as a “man” as long as they are fine with the fact that I live as myself, a “special sort of woman…”
Even so, my body is quite “in-between” and I may well be classified as intersex at some point.
..I never tried to convince people that I am a woman; rather, with greater integrity and fidelity, I became myself: a woman; it’ an inside-out thing. As I gradually changed through the years, I crossed some invisible boundary to where people who had watched me change decided “she must be a woman.” And when I realized this had happened, I relaxed into my identity and affirmed it by legally changing my name and gender marker.
Lately, I have realized that I am sooooo relaxed as a woman that I don’t think so much that I am trans: I simply assume my womanhood, because others seem to assume it. AND I have become so comfortable and at ease, that whether people know I am a trans woman or not (and LOTS do), people feel comfortable regarding me as any other woman…
…Now, I *am* trans, but really, I am a human being, who is a woman, who became herself through her transsexuality. As a result, I am as real as anyone else, in fact, I am 100% authentically me, even through I am constantly changing in some ways, still going through my second puberty, still maturing as a woman, as a human being.
Sir-reality: a couple months ago, at the Wild Goose Festival, we were packing for home, and our son had been camping next to a family while we had stayed elsewhere. I dropped-by his campsite and happened to meet the mother of the family. I thanked her for being so kind to our son. She said he was *wonderful* and that his mom and dad were here at the festival too. Then she said: “You must be mom?” I sweetly and a little sheepishly replied: “Um…actually, I’m ‘dad.’ I’m a transsexual woman.” Her eyes grew wide, and she said “you present sooo well…I would not have known if you had not said anything.” Though I was the only openly transgender woman at the festival, I had several experiences like this over the the course of the festival…
…Around this time, our son asked my spouse if she would be upset if he referred to me with female pronouns because he was more comfortable thinking of me as a woman. She’s not quite there herself, but she said this was fine for him. (She has started using female pronouns for me.) At the same time, our son asked if I could still be “Dad” to him. Yes, of course, I *am* his father, a woman; and I don’t want to take my spouse’s honor as his mother, even as our gender roles have always been very blended.
Blessings & Joy!! 🙂
That last frame terrifies me… It’s why I’m having such conflicted nights about the concept of transitioning. My girlfriend has said before that she doesn’t know if she’d be attracted to me once I change, but I don’t know if I could risk our relationship. after all, wouldn’t it be better if only I was sad, and she remained happy if I stay male rather than the potential of both of us being sad? I couldn’t bare to lose her, as she has been the glue holding me together through major ups and downs in my mental state, and if I lose her, I’d deteriorate. This webcomic and it’s author has opened my eyes to the ups and downs of transgender and transsexuality, and has helped me almost reach a decision, so, if you are reading this, thank you.
My current boyfriend… is completely homosexual… and I know for a fact that he’d never be happy with me if i transition…
I relate to this so much.. it hurts. 🙁
There’s beauty here….
As the wife of a (pre-everything) transwoman that only came out about a month ago, Emily’s reactions and feelings are the epitome of what I feel on a daily basis. This particular strip made me cry far more easily than it should have.
Waaahhhhhh ;_;
i’m so happy for you
but it’s so sad to see gf at end
hugs x
That one got me. Dammit.
This is so beautiful
I am a cis gendered male and this SPOKE TO ME. This strip helped me to better understand the struggles of a trans person… I have a good feeling that this will overall contribute to my ability to empathize. I am forever supportive and grateful of your work. <3
I love the use of color in this strip. That adds so much to the storytelling.
There’s so many experiences here..
I broke up with my ex a few months ago. Before that, when I started taking a more active role in transition (buying clothes, trying makeup, growing my hair out, dying it) I started to notice she was unhappy. Well… more than notice, she was open about it every time I was. I was happy, she was… scared and hurt and wanted me to stay the was she loved me.
I mean, she’s apologized since, and I have too (I wasn’t the best partner) but I think it’s better we don’t interact anymore. Of course I’ve missed her… but I really need to work on loving myself.
I wish this could be me… (I am seriously triggered)
This really hit me, and made me cry a bit. I wish I could have this kind of experience with my girlfriend. The last panel hit me really hard, I’m still with her, but things are getting harder as I figure myself out and become more “me”. It kinda feels like the end of things is inevitable, but that’s hard because we’ve been together since highschool.